Every now and then, a man who has no business bothering you will see you living your best life and bother you. Like the moon who catches its glow from its proximity to the sun, so to do some men feign a sense of compatibility to enjoy benefits from their proximity to you. Infatuation is natural and happens to us all. However, many times a man who knows that he is nothing like what you’re looking for will use his infatuation with you as an excuse for why he should manipulate your interests and take up space in your life.
We all strive to put our best parts forward when meeting someone for the first time but there’s a difference between presenting your best self and a false self. Men have absolutely no qualms about presenting a false self in order to get what they want. If you suspect that the guy courting you is trying to gorilla glue rose-tinted frames to your face, so you don’t see him for who he truly is, then here are some signs that your suspicions may be right.
In the beginning was the word…
It’s no surprise that many religions have a creation story revolving around the world being spoken into existence. Invoking the gift of gab in order to manifest our realities is a tool that many of us can employ. Men abuse this tool and if the man courting you is verbally assaulting you with professions of love, obsession, and a future with you before he even knows your mothers name, then he’s probably just trying to charm his way into your life. He might also make a lot of promises to you very early on. Most men try and charm a woman with words or pleasant conversation, but it’s typically from a place of genuine self-expression and isn’t overbearing in anyway.
The man who attempts to present a false self will come on way too strong with his words. He knows that if you repeat a lie often enough, it’ll become the truth. His method of over-saturating you with his professions of love and devotion are to trick you into believing that this is a man that loves you and is devoted to you. He’s only said it 100 times in the first two weeks of you both getting to know each other. How could it not be true?
This verbal assault is deployed by men who have little else to lead with. He can’t show you he’s a catch so he’ll just tell you he is. He knows that there is nothing he can offer you beyond words and so his trick is to emulate some character in one of your childhood fictions by whispering sweet nothings into your ear. If the guy courting you is coming on way too strong with the word play, you’d be better off maintaining boundaries. He’s more than likely just a waste of time.
Es. Ee. Ex.
It’s no secret that men like sex, but a man who has nothing to offer will lead very early and very aggressively with sex. Just like his word games, the point of him leading so aggressively with sex is to incite your passions. He wants to try impressing you in bed so you can overlook everything else he’s lacking in. His modus operandi is to dickmitize you. Even if you’re looking for a boy toy, a guy like this has little to offer you.
Men with more genuine intentions not only express that they have sexual interest in you, but they lead with their resources as well. He’ll make sure that you know you’ll be taken care of both in and out of the bedroom. His conversations revolve around more than what he wants to do to you and when you both spend time together, he seeks to entertain you in more than one way. Men with something to offer have a healthy sense of self-worth and they value the courting phase too.
Trash With a Side of Well Intentions
Men know the game. They understand that they should bring something of tangible value to the relationship, but not all men have anything of tangible value to offer. If he notices that his words are losing effect (if they've ever had any) or that his sexual advances are being met with resistance, the man with nothing to offer will make attempts to play his role.
If you have too many pieces of cheap plastic and metal collecting dust on your dresser then you've got a dusty on your hands. When making his offerings of trash, he may even attempt to pull a combo move. Using his words to ascribe some meaning to his gift so that the imaginary butterflies in your tummy can accompany the imaginary value he brings to your life.
He'll also bring a lot of disappointment. The actions of a man with nothing to offer tend to fall very short of his words. If you find yourself feeling let down again and again by the guy courting you, then pull the plug on whatever you have going on. If you've realized you're in a relationship with a guy like this then please look on either side of your self-worth and follow the glowing exit sign. Not all relationships you entertain must have forever as the end goal, but you should never accept a partner who brings no more than the bare minimum to the table.
A guy relying on any of the above to win you over is one of two things: still in high school or a man with nothing to offer. His romantic gestures might appear endearing and feed your ego but they will do nothing more.
Lilith is a blogger with an emphasis in writing and reflecting upon social agendas that effect black women. When not at her computer writing she is more than likely still at her computer, programming. On the rare occasion that Lilith isn't at her laptop you can attempt to find her exploring the Chicago food scene or attending workshops in creative writing